Episode 1: So I Married a Bed Retailer


Hello darling.
Oh, you startled me. Good morning, how can I help you?
Well, um, Charles has been having quite a bit of trouble lately in his old age with
um, accidents in the bed. Oh I’m sorry, um, let’s see, we could get
you… Do you have anything that’s waterproof, Charles tends to sprinkle.
Um, no, perhaps you’d be better off taking him to a doctor.
Oh no, he’d never have that, oh no. He’s far too proud for any of that, latex gloves and
rectal thermometers. [dog barking]
Oh, he’s so cute! What’s his name? Charles…
Your dog… Yes…
Awkward. [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] Thank you. So all I keep thinking about is this pitiful guy walking around in diapers,
the way Mal does. Oooooh.
Hey hey, listen, you know, freedom lies in being bold. Sometimes it takes diapers.
I don’t wear underwear, I go commando. Does anyone else have that image?
No? Cause I have it, do you have it? Do you all have it? Are we all there? Do we have
a communal image? Thank you. Ok ok, so did you end up selling her a mattress?
No, she really wanted a sprinkle-proof mattress. Oh don’t we all though? Since I was seven…
MC? Yes. Would you get us another round? I’m gonna
go to the powder room first though. Grace?
Yeah, I’ll come with you. I’ll be back. No you won’t, you’l never come back. Wow man,
MC has been doing whatever you want all night! That’s how marriage works.
You bribed her didn’t ya? Absolutely.
[laughter] I think you got it Gary. Oh, did you guys want some mead?
Gary, have we ever wanted any mead? You’re going to go blind from drinking that
stuff. It’s your loss, this is the birth of beer.
Wench, beer, now! Oh weeeench. Gary…
He is your star employee. [pause]
Come on! Oh, ooh! Pause! So, some kinda party huh?
Is it? Cause we’re at a bar, getting drinks. Yeah, kinda a celebratory evening for me,
as I just bedded my one thousandth bed. Really? Yeah I hear there’s a big party going
on for you it’s right over there. Yeah well you know, I’m about to you know,
about to open my fifth store in the tri state area. As soon as I, as soon as I buy out that
dinosaur, Sleep Shoppe. Really? What do you do.
Well, let’s not talk about work. So what would it take to get you in one of my beds? Hey,
hey bartender, can I get another one of those Courvoisier there, and this time pally, put
some liquor in it huh? Franklin, we’re not doing this again, don’t
make me get a door guy. Pimpleton? What are you’d doing here?
Ha ha ha, Mal, it’s Penpolen. Is he saying Pimplelon? Pimplion? Pimplion Pimpline? Pimple?
I have no idea, maybe. Franklin, this is my fiance Grace.
You don’t own me Malcolm…sorry hon… Ok. Although I’ve do have a thing for paleontologists.
Ok look, you’re going to close soon enough and when you do, I’m going to be the one laughing
last. This isn’t the lap, the last you’ve seen of me. Not yet, don’t think it is. It’s
not! Wow, to the dork mobile Pimpleton!
Paleontologist? What was that about? He called the shop a dinosaur.
Clever girl. Who is he?
Ah, he’s the owner of Bed-O-Rama. Oh my God that’s Pimping with Penpoline! Oh
my God he’s even weirder in person! Yeah, I know. he’s been trying to get Sleep
Shoppe since I was a kid, especially now that our mattresses have VertiCoil Edge. Problem
is, he’s half right. Sales have been down for months, I don’t know if it’s just the
economy or me. You mean us! Ok, so how can we outsell the
Pimp line? I don’t know. Dad never believed in advertising.
Son, quality sells itself. Really? Yeah. Well maybe it’s time we try something
new. Word?


  1. the most awkward thing i've ever watched, i've never felt so comfortable feeling so awkward, a toast, to the virgin mattress…!


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