EVERY THRIFT STORE EVER

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Oh, you gonna get that? Maybe I don’t know how much it is just has this green tag. Oh, green tags means eight dollars. Oh, but it’s Wednesday, so it’s 50% off. No, but it’s before the 15th. So the discount is halved, so it’s only 25% off. Oh, but if there’s a blue tag item nearby those prices are overridden and the discounts are nullified. Oh, but if it’s an election year, you multiply the green tag by the blue tag and divide it by the red tag. Okay, so then it’s… eight dollars! Are you gonna get it? Maybe… No. Every Thrift Store Ever [Music] Hey, you work here? Yeah, what’s up? Uh, so I just donated a bunch of clothes yesterday and I don’t see them out there on the racks. Well, not every item can be resold. Some clothes are just trash. Um, excuse me but my old clothes are not trash. Well, what would you have done with the clothing if you didn’t donate it? Well, obviously I would have thrown it in it the tr- oh, goddamn it. I only shop here because of Macklemore. I think I found my Halloween costume! Oh my god me too! Let’s show each other! Alright! What are you guys supposed to be? I’m a mediocre singer performer who peaked in high school and still tells people he’s trying to make it but he definitely just works at his uncle’s sandwich shop. I’m a housewife from 1996 who has manic depression and hides it with church and secret drinking. Oh cool! Well, I’m a guy that used to be fat and then he lost all his weight so he sold all his fat clothes and then he got fat again so he had to buy new fat clothes, but then he lost weight again, but he knew that it’d only been temporary so this time he held on to his fat clothes. SAD HALLOWEEN 2019!! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I don’t care if it’s not new. It’s new to me. Oooh… [Music] Hey, man, that that’s my shirt! Sorry, dude. I saw it first. No, literally, that’s the shirt that I walked into the store with. It’s mine. How do I know that? ‘Cause it’s a used shirt everything else in the store is….. also used. Super good point dude anything else? No. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I just love the smell of strangers, you know. Oh, look you should get these. No, you never get pants at a thrift store dude. You don’t know if someone sh** in ’em. Do you think people just walk around, sh**ing their pants all the time? Yeah dude I sh** mine almost every day. *wut* Like, um…. Uh, is the old people smell included or do I have to pay extra? Oh, this is so cute. Yeah, you should def get that. Oh, but it’s $20. That’s so expensive. Didn’t you just pay $22 to have ramen delivered yesterday? Yeah, but 20$ in a thrift store is like $600 in the real world. Yeah, I guess your right. And don’t EVER shame me for ramen spending EVER AGAIN. There’s a hole in the butt but like they’re so cute. Oh my god! Someone donated the family photo. That’s so sad. Oh, we should find them and bring it back to ’em. That’s such a good idea, but how? Mmm, I’ll reverse image search the dad’s face and then use that to get his address and then we can bring it to him. All right. Got it. Let’s go. Oh! Oh my gosh! Hi. Uh, we found your family photo at a thrift store and we thought you’d want it back. [Melancholy Music] That’s… That’s my dead family. They died… Got rid of the photo ’cause I couldn’t stand to look at them cuz they reminded me of how dead they were. Um, is there anything that we can do to help? Take a new family photo with me? [Both] Sure, sure… Okay…. Courtney: Go, come on. [Music] Shane, hurry up! Ugh. Why do I have to be a sexy unicorn!? ‘Cause it’s the only thing that keeps me from crying. You don’t want to make him cry again, do you!? No… Okay… now say, sea biscuit! [Both] Sea biscuit… Dang it! All the hipsters took the good flannels. [Up-Beat Music] Ohhh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! That’s hilarious and that’s yes. [Cash register sound] Oh my goodness! Cousin Thomas Corrigan!! Oh, no, I’m not your cousin. I just I found this shirt at a thrift store… Whoa, whoa. We found our cousin Thomas! Really good to have you back, son. The kids missed you so much honey. We thought you disappeared after you went searching for the lost city of Atlanta, but now that you’re here, we’re never letting you go! [Everyone] CORRIGAN! FAMILY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I didn’t even know they made Tom and Jerry cups. Dude, these shirts and shorts are only like 4 bucks a piece. What the f*ck are you wearing? Oh this? Well, I mean I want to try on the clothes but I didn’t want it to touch my skin. That’s gross. Somebody else wore this already. You do realize that all clothes have been tried on before…. even that. This? Yeah… No…… All right, this clothing item it’s ready to be tried on. Oooh… a unitard. It must be my birthday. I think I need to drop trou for this one. Oooh, I can’t wait to get this all over my sweaty, gross ancient body. I’m 200 years old! Can’t even afford this. I want it. Gimme it. It’s mine now. Those pants up for sale or what’s up? Yeah, you got like five bucks? 4. 4.50? 4. Aw fine. 3. Really? Keep it up, 2. Ugh. You don’t sh** yours every day? Not today. That’s why you have multiple pairs of pants so you can sh** in the next one. I don’t think people do that ever. I do that. If I do that, at least 10 other people in this room do that. I don’t think that. Dude can you be honest? I am so honest. I think you’re really off base on this one. You don’t poop in your panties? That’s fine. I’ll meet you back home you know, you can take the bus. Okay. Oh, there’s sh** in there right now. I can see that. You guys want to watch War Horse? Yes, I’d love War Horse. Okay, just the horse parts though. Brian Merino has captioned this episode of “Every Blank Ever.” Check out my Instagram brian_.merino Ooooooooooh, oh yeah! Oh that feels real good! Yesss… You look good! Oh hell yeah! Turn around. Oh…. [Laughs]

100 COMMENTS

  1. 6:00 Did Mr. Benn ever stop going to that clothes shop? It's not like he ever aged. Or maybe it's that bloody shopkeeper…

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