[H3H3 theme song plays] – “That’s when she called me. She thought her laptop was coming with Windows, instead she got that thing called: Ubuntu. pronunciation was the least of her problems.” – Have you guys ever heard of Ubuntu? Well, I had neither until I saw this news report. Apparently, it’s a linux based operating system that Dell’s been just pawning off on people, on their PCs and completely ruining their lives. – “Well, odds are you don’t use the word Ubuntu very often or maybe not at all. It’s a type operating system for your computer,
similar to Windows, but it is not windows and what works on Windows doesn’t always work on Ubuntu.” – Well, odds are you don’t use the word Ubuntu very often. [pretentious laugh] UBUNTU?! [pretentious laugh] What is that? Oh, it’s Linux? [pretentious laugh] Ubuntu? Pleeease! Ubuntu? [Ethan Klein Cough™] – “Abby Schubert’s life was supposed to start getting easier with this new Dell laptop, but let’s be clear. It’s not.” plop ploop ploop ploop plop
[Ethan imitates computer sound] I’m on my computer. WOOOAH?!
What is this? It’s not Windows! AAAHHHH! – “Ubuntu might look a lot like Windows, but it sure doesn’t act like it. That’s because her Verizon Internet CD won’t load on Ubuntu.” – Holy fuck, man! She’s trying to get-, she didn’t have the internet?! [Shouting] UBUNTUUUUU! Not again, it didn’t give her the internet! They forgot to install the CD-ROM the internet. – “The entire internet is located on this CD-ROM.” – I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but that is a ffff-, ssss-stupid- stupid, vacant face. I mean, there’s not much behind there.
I can tell just by looking at her. She’s out to lunch, She- She went out to lunch she never came home, okey? That is just the empty attic right there. Boy, just a couple marbles and couple cobwebs; couple of tumbleweeds just blown around in the- dusty, dusty noon. – “They tried to-, umm. Get on the internet on it and that did not work.” – Try Again. She clearly did everything, guys. She- She opened up the internet. It didn’t work. she clicked “Try Again.” She’s clearly done everything! It’s time to call the local news here. “Um, did you try clicking the a “Try Again” button? Oh yeah, I tried that. Okay, well, I see you’ve done-, you’ve exhausted all your options. So, let me go ahead and just get you the a-, white knight. Who is going to take care of all your problems. A fine young man, 30 years old, he’s virgin, by the way. Makes him a real GO-getter. He’s gonna come out to you. He’s gonna help you out with all your problems. Oh, terrific!” – “And I found out that Microsoft Word is not compatible- And Ubuntu comes with OpenOffice and not Word.” By the time she found all these out, Dell said it was too late to go back to Windows. That’s because her Verizon internet CD won’t load on Ubuntu. And the internet is simple to install. Dell said it was too late to go back to Windows. And this semester? It’s too late to go back to MATC. Extremely frustrated I am- just I’m sick of it. and I wanted to get back to school, but I need the computer to be able to do that.” [Shouting] – You don’t need to drop out of college because you got a different operating system! And you thought it doesn’t matter, you can just tell them! And enter you college though- by telephone or go there! [slow] – “I need the computer to be able to do that.” [Shouting] – Or you can just uninstall and reinstall Windows. That would- That would work just fine! [Shouting] Can you hear me?! Can you hear me, please?! I can help you! You don’t need to go to the news for this! Please, listen to me! – “Well, that was the course before she called 27 News and we were able to help her. We’re still waiting to hear from Dell, to what they have to say about this. But we are going to be able to help Abbey get back to school.” – Great! He’s helping her get back to school. I guess he got her a new laptop, right? That would make sense. – “I called MATC this afternoon they said, “No problem, she can enroll in any of their classes with what she’s already got installed on her machine.” Then I called Verizon about that CD that wasn’t working. And they said the CD might not work, but they will still be able to get a tech support crew to her house so she can start using the internet with her current machine, Ubuntu.” – Well of course, that was before she called us at Channel Fuck Me News. Well, I’ve made couple phone calls on behalf of her and I acted like an adult for her. What I did is I called the school. They said: “Of course you don’t need a laptop to enroll. What are you? Fucking Brain-Dead?!” And then I called Verizon and they said: “Of course you don’t need to CD to install the internet. What are you? Fucking Brain-Dead?!” and I was like, “No, I am just calling on behalf of a-uh stupid, young woman. Completely vacant, brain dead in the head. In the hopes of me getting in to her panties. Cause I’m 30 years on and I’ve never had sex and- my father got me this job in broadcasting. This is the only thing I can do to bargain to try ‘n get some pussy. ‘Cause I’m just a complete fucking wet towel. I mean, my life is completely worthless! This is what I do. I can’t believe it!” – “Pronunciation, she might have to work on that a little bit, but at least you can get back to school and start doing what she wants to do. What a huge hassle? Yeah.” – What a huge hassle. Oh! Boy! What a huge hassle [pretentious laugh] UBUNTU?! [pretentious laugh] [Ethan Klein Cough ™] – “A dumb girl, lazy, not worthy of a college degree. Unscrupulous reporting! 27 News is incompetent. A new low for local news.” [Shouting] – HELLLOOOOOOO! Sometimes, I get the feeling that nobody’s really listen to me. ♫ An unoriginal ♫ [horn sounds] pew-pew, ♫ Production ♫